Messing with my Perception of Reality
When you have a strong sense of self-esteem, confidence, worth, and value, it is much more difficult for others to manipulate what you believe is true and how you feel and think. Individuals with low self-esteem and self-worth are most susceptible to being brainwashed or, worse yet, radicalized, because their perception of reality is more easily manipulated. In my experience, emotional abuse is similar in that it first needs to damage your sense of confidence and worth before you are more susceptible to the other element of covert emotional abuse that makes you question your reality.
As I discussed in Part 1, my experience of covert narcissistic emotional abuse from my ex-husband over a nearly thirty-year period was extremely effective at eroding my self-esteem, confidence, and sense of worth and value. The emotional abuse tactics that made me question my reality didn’t show up in my experience until we had been together for at least five years. But once they did, the tactics became increasingly more effective. His constant blame game, passive aggression, projection, and gaslighting slowly stripped away MY perception of reality and replaced it with HIS perception of reality.
His “Blame Game”
In hindsight, I now realize that my husband’s needs, wants, and feelings were always the casualty of my incorrect behavior. It was a never-ending blame game that I wasn’t aware of that was being played. Eventually, all I knew was that I felt ultimately responsible for my husband’s degree of happiness. Over the course of our marriage, I became increasingly consciously and unconsciously attuned to his needs, desires, and wants and changed my behavior as needed to ensure his happiness. This is the covert narcissist’s goal so that they can avoid any responsibility and project the blame onto someone else. This kept me busy trying to fix things that were not even my responsibility to fix – and it was crazy making. My husband’s eyes, he was always the victim, could do no wrong, and was quick to blame me for whatever went wrong.
It was Always My Fault
It was my fault in the little things, such as blaming me if he didn’t get up early enough to do his work, because I liked to sleep in, and at the time, he did too. He wouldn’t come out and say he blamed me, but he would say something like “it’s disgusting that we don’t get up early” or “why do we always have to sleep in?” It was never “it’s disgusting that I don’t get up early” or “why do I always have to sleep in?” It was always “we”. As a result, I felt that I was responsible for getting up early on my days off, so that he would too. In his mind, he was the victim of my sleeping in.
It was also my fault in the bigger things, such as when my parents visited us. Whenever my parents visited us, my husband would complain about how my parents made our home feel hostile, and he despised their visits. My parents live a four-hour flight away, so when they did visit two or three times a year, they stayed for about 10 days each visit. During those visits, my husband was VERY noticeably distant, grumpy, and clearly put out. It was so routine that I promised myself never to evaluate my marriage when my parents visited. My husband claimed that my parents didn’t respect him and were antagonistic towards him. I would ask for examples, but he could never give me any. My parents were the opposite of antagonistic in that they followed his most important rule when they visited. They had to stay in the guest room, in our home, from ten at night until eight in the morning. And my parents, I’m sad to say, followed his rule to keep peace in our home.
Once I understood how covert narcissists claim the victim status and project their behaviours onto others, I finally understood the degree to which my husband projected onto my parents the hostile environment that their visit created. It was his hostility, his lack of respect for them, and his antagonism towards them that he projected onto them, while claiming he was the victim when they visited. And I was the problem, because I loved my parents and wanted them to visit. My parents’ visits were the only thing I would not give up in this marriage. I felt a great deal of guilt and trepidation every time my parents came to visit, because I knew it made my husband so upset. I had no idea how to fix the situation because I didn’t understand the projection and blame. All I knew was that my parents were cordial to my husband, stayed out of his way, and followed his extreme bedtime curfew rule.
I Could Never Say Anything “The Right Way”
Another difficulty in our marriage was my husband’s way of twisting everything I said into being my fault because of the WAY I said something. This way, he was always the victim because of what I said. If only I had asked him to do something using these words, or asked him this particular way, he wouldn’t have felt attacked or guilted into something. It got so bad that after a few decades, I stopped asking him for ANYTHING because I inevitably always asked or said it in the wrong way, using the wrong combination of words or phrases that he preferred. Because of this, my husband always said he felt attacked or made to feel guilty and often called me passive-aggressive in our conversations. He always argued, why didn’t I just clearly state what I wanted, instead of trying to twist him into a guilt trip. I could never say the right thing.
I was Passive-aggressive
I tried so hard to understand how I was being passive-aggressive towards him, in my behavior or words. But all I could understand at the time was that I had become afraid to be direct with him in any requests I had because it was always twisted again into why I didn’t ask this particular way, using these words or phrases. My husband’s ability to masterfully twist everything into my fault was incredible. I felt I could never say anything just the right way. It made me so frustrated that I could not read his mind, so that I could know exactly how to word my request for ANYTHING. Again, after I was out of the toxic relationship, and I understood that he was a covert narcissist, I realized that he was projecting his passive aggressiveness on me and blaming me for being passive-aggressive.
His Passive Aggression and Projection
My husband would blame me for being passive-aggressive when, in actuality, he was the one being passive-aggressive by being mean in an underhanded way. This behavior aligned with his indirect and coercive way of expressing his anger or frustration while protecting his delicate self-image. And it was a way he gained narcissistic fuel from my pain and humiliation, and it confused me immensely, as I did not understand what was going on.
For example, one afternoon, we were out as a family at a marine museum. I excitedly pointed with my finger to a large shark that was suspended on the ceiling, about 20 feet away from us, for my young daughter to see. Immediately after my husband said to her, in front of me, “Now, honey, remember that pointing with your finger is VERY rude,” in a formal, condescending tone. At first, I was so very hurt. Why on earth would he say such a thing to her in front of me? I thought we were having a lovely family afternoon together. Did I say anything to him? Absolutely not. I buried my hurt and anger inside of me. And he knew exactly what he did to make me so angry and hurt, and he enjoyed it. He continued to act as if all was fine for the rest of the afternoon. I have no idea why he did that. It could have been to simply embarrass me, hurt me, or perhaps some retaliation of some kind. It could have been all three.
I Am The Bully?
On another occasion, soon after our separation, while on a phone call with each other, I said to my husband that I intended to be kind and fair with him in our separation negotiations, and that I expected the same treatment in return. He immediately responded, “You’re not going to bully me into that!” In all honesty, I was completely SHOCKED by his comment, and I said, “Pardon me, what did you just say?” He, of course, ignored my question and went on to talk about something else. This was his passive-aggression, and projection – HE IS THE BULLY! Once again, he was claiming the victim status. I was apparently trying to bully him into being kind and fair by stating that I was going to treat him with kindness and fairness in our negotiations, and I expected the same treatment in return. He was implying that I was being unfair, controlling, and bullying him. That is crazy!
Am I Lazy?
Besides actually being passive-aggressive in his behaviour towards me, and projecting his passive-aggression onto me, my husband also projected his FEAR of laziness onto me throughout our marriage. He always insinuated that my part-time Registered Nursing position was not a career, and that I had no idea what it meant to work as hard as he does. It didn’t matter that I worked part-time, was a mother doing 90% of the child care, which included being involved in 15 to 20 hours a week with our daughter’s dancing activities and competitions, and household activities; I was also the only one doing the home maintenance and upkeep, and any renovations. Literally. Yet, although I was so busy in life, working and being a very involved mom, and looking after the house on my own, I was lazy. Even after he left me, I struggled with thinking and labeling myself as lazy for years afterward.
The Gaslighting
The constant blame game and passive-aggression projection really shook my sense of what was true, but the gaslighting took it to an elevated level! It took me a very long time to realize and accept that I was indeed gaslighted by my covert narcissist husband over the years. This gaslighting definitely made me question my own reality, powers of reasoning, and perceptions. He gained control over me by distorting information, denying events, and invalidating my feelings. This was crazy for me because it caused me to question what I perceived as real or not, my memory of things, and my truths.
My Passive Aggressiveness?
My husband’s never-ending projection of his passive aggressiveness on me really confused me. This experience did make me question my reality, my perspective, and my emotions. I am a very sensitive and empathic person, and I could not figure out how I was holding so much passive aggressiveness in me and acting out on it. I tried to figure out if I was only passive-aggressive towards him or towards others as well, and if it was truly a personal fault of mine. I spent so much time in self-reflection trying to understand my passive aggressiveness to no avail.
And although no one else ever accused me of being passive-aggressive in my life, I took my husband’s word for it. So, I tried to be even more gentle and careful in how I approached my husband in every way possible. Now I can clearly see that I was gaslighted into believing that his passive aggression directed towards me was mine.
Am I Overly Sensitive?
I was also convinced that I was emotionally overly sensitive and was often trying to create a crisis out of nothing. I remember in particular one early summer afternoon, when I approached my husband and told him that I was really unhappy in our marriage, and I wanted to work on fixing our marriage, and suggested marriage counselling. He immediately became furious and accused me of creating a crisis out of nothing and trying to destroy HIS summer. As far as he was concerned, I was being ridiculous, and our marriage was fine. I was deeply hurt by his aggressive response. I meekly responded, “ok, I’ll forget about it”. He made it very clear that I was ridiculously sensitive and was always making a crisis out of nothing. I didn’t think I was making a crisis out of nothing. I was feeling very upset in our marriage, but maybe I was turning it into a crisis when it wasn’t. Either way, nothing happened that summer regarding fixing our marriage.
Everyone Puts Curfews on Their In-Laws?
When my husband initially set out his requirement for my parents’ continued visits, which required them to stay in the guest room in our home from ten at night to eight in the morning, I replied that that was ridiculous. He promptly replied that this request is indeed very normal. He had even talked to his colleagues about this, and they did the same thing. Because I did not realize my husband was a liar, I believed what he said, even though it felt “off” to me. It seemed strange that other people put curfews on their in-laws, but he said they did. He made it clear that he was not abnormal in this request at all, and I was RIDICULOUS for perceiving this requirement as a problem. And of course, my parents, at my request, followed his rule for years.
He “Forgot” that He Previously Knew the Woman with Whom He had an Affair? Really?
When I found out about my husband’s six-month affair, he reluctantly told me her first name. The name was familiar to me, and I asked him if she was the same person he once worked with a few years ago, and he said she was not. Over the next few months, I insisted on knowing her last name, and he finally told me. After I got her full name, I Googled her name alongside my husband’s, and sure enough, it was the same woman I thought it was all along, as they had published work together.
I had caught him in a straight, bold-faced LIE! I was livid! So when I approached him about this lie, he calmly said to my face that he didn’t lie, he simply forgot she was the same woman that he had worked with years ago. And I stood there UTTERLY ASTONISHED! I was questioning myself. I was initially convinced he had lied to me. Now I was thinking – he really forgot that this was the same woman he had known from years ago, that he had recently had an affair with? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. He seemed so convincing and sincere, and at the time, I was completely unaware that my husband was a liar.
Some time later, we were watching a family movie that we had watched a few years ago, and my husband immediately remembered watching it before, and all I could think was – he can remember a movie he watched years ago, but not remember a woman he was having an affair with as the same woman that he worked with years ago? It was from all the previous gaslighting that I fell for this. My sense of reality had become so distorted. My sense of knowing what was true was turned upside down.
The Painful Result of Emotional Abuse
The accumulation of emotional abuse left me walking on eggshells every moment of my marriage. I didn’t see the emotional abuse for what it was, so I was living in never-ending confusion, chaos, and an undercurrent of anxiety and fear. I tried relentlessly to gain my husband’s love, fix our marriage, and make myself worthy of his love, to very confusing responses, and at times, unexpected anger. It was the underlying anxiety and fear that was the worst part. I was afraid of his unexpected emotional responses, especially his anger.
Years before my husband had his affair, I was seeing a therapist to help me figure out my marriage and what I wanted to do about it. She mentioned to me that she thought there was some emotional abuse going on. I was in disbelief and confused. I remember saying, yes, maybe. However, I had ABSOLUTELY no understanding of what emotional abuse was. Unfortunately, I was in denial, and that was my last appointment with my therapist, as I was not ready to see what was happening in my marriage.
One evening, I was watching TV in our master bedroom. I knew that my husband despised the TV and didn’t think highly of those who watched it, so I watched in privacy. That particular evening, I was highly sensitive to my husband and his mood, so as soon as I heard him get up from his desk in his office next to our bedroom, I immediately turned off the TV, closed the TV cabinet doors, and moved the lounge chair to its normal position in the master bedroom, facing away from the TV. I did this in seconds, and in fear that he was going to come into the room and see me watching TV. I was anxious, breathless, and afraid. At that moment, I truly realized this was not ok.
The Process of Moving Forward and Healing
In hindsight, I underestimated the damage that the emotional abuse caused me, because the abuse was not physical, verbal, or sexual. When I reflect on who I was while I was married to my covert narcissistic husband, I realize I was a COMPLETELY different person. With my battered self-esteem, confidence, and sense of worth and value, along with being treated unkindly and living in a toxic environment, I was a shell of who I really was. I now realize that my decades of journal writing and self-reflection saved me throughout the marriage from completely losing myself, but so much damage had been done.
Getting Out of the Toxic Environment and His Direct Control
The emotional abuse was my ENTIRE marriage. Because I did not see the emotional abuse, whenever I made a list of the pros and cons of my marriage, I listed that my husband did not physically or verbally abuse me as a positive. This is NOT a positive feature that should even have to be listed!
When we separated, it was very difficult for him to control and manipulate me. Being out of the malignant, toxic environment of daily emotional abuse and walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting him was literally life-changing! I was in a state of ELATION for six months after he left! I experienced immense joy, happiness, and excitement for the freedom I felt. I noticed the energy in our household changed from being scared and anxious to so much freedom, joy, and laughter. In this environment, I was free to begin the journey towards healing.
Recognizing the Emotional Abuse and Making Sense of It
Following those glorious first six months after my husband moved out, he started arguing with me regarding our separation details, which was when I discovered covert narcissism and emotional abuse. My marriage of 24 years FINALLY made sense, and I was learning as much as I could about the topics. I focused on working through the covert narcissistic emotional abuse and making sense of its impact on me. Furthermore, recognizing that I had been emotionally abused was extremely difficult to face. I had to realize and truly understand that I did not deserve any of it. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED. Just as NO ONE deserves to be physically, verbally, or sexually abused, either.
Learning to Heal the Wounds and Embrace the Blessing
I found reflective journaling, reading my old journals, writing letters to him – that he would never see, very helpful in making sense of my experience. I also tried to find any online personal stories of covert narcissistic emotional abuse, to help me feel like I wasn’t alone. I covered my walls in sticky notes, naming everything he could NO LONGER take from me, such as my joy, freedom, laughter, and well-being. And I loved using special effects photo apps to make an unattractive picture of him into pictures that supported my healing. My favorite one was a photo animation image of him that dissolved into nothing with the words on the picture, “His power over me ends.” I loved that!
As I navigated the pain of what I had experienced and committed myself to my healing, I began to find blessings in my experience. I truly realized that my entire marriage of emotional abuse, along with his affair, was the catalyst for my spiritual awakening. The discovery of his affair not only broke my heart, but it also broke my ego. I felt like I had been smashed into a million pieces. I had spent my entire adult life with my husband, bending to his will, trying to please him and make him happy, and this is how he treated me. I knew, finally, I deserved so much better.
And that is when I discovered my soul – my Divine Eternal Consciousness. My soul was always there, and I was NEVER broken. My ego was broken, but my soul was not. Often in life, it is in the darkest and most painful experiences that we awaken as our ego becomes briefly incapacitated, and our soul can finally be experienced and seen.
It has not been an easy journey towards healing, but I remained committed to letting all the pain, hurt, anger, fears, anxieties, hatred, and betrayal go. It was a very long road to understanding what had happened and learning to forgive and release, which has culminated in DEEP GRATITUDE for the entire experience. It shaped me into who I am today.
As I continue on my spiritual journey, just like onion layers, more continues to arise regarding my marriage and relationship with my ex-husband that needs healing and releasing. It has been an eight-year journey now, but every year, there are fewer onion layers to release. And every time I release more, I become lighter and more joyful in my life.
Do You Want to Start Your Healing Journey?
Emotional abuse is probably more rampant than we realize, as it is a form of invisible abuse. Are you experiencing any emotional abuse? If you are, please know that you DO NOT DESERVE IT!
If you can see the emotional abuse in your life now and recognize you did not deserve it, you are well on your way to healing psychologically, and spiritually, if you wish. First, you cannot heal what you do not know, and second, you cannot heal what you think you deserve. It is essential to remove yourself from that toxic environment so that you can move forward on your healing journey. Only you can do the work to heal through the emotional abuse and move forward in your life, and there is no right way, as everyone’s way is unique.
What can I say spiritually about the emotional abuse I experienced? My experience of emotional abuse from my covert narcissistic husband was both my GREATEST HEARTBREAK in life and my GREATEST BLESSING in life. It woke me up to my soul and sent me on a journey towards a life I could have never imagined! I am, and will be, forever grateful to my ex-husband for the role he played in my spiritual awakening.
Everyone’s psychological and spiritual journey is unique, and there is no one right way. You have to look within yourself and trust your inner knowing of what you need to do to move forward and heal yourself. This freedom from the trauma of emotional abuse is available to all of us! Are you ready to embrace your journey of freedom and healing?