My Experience of Covert Narcissistic Emotional Abuse: Part 1

I felt INSANELY messed up during my nearly three-decade relationship with my covert narcissist ex-husband. The emotional abuse was toxic, chaotic, invisible, crazy making, and it was only years after my marriage ended that I was able to recognize the emotional abuse for what it was, and make sense of it. Overt narcissists are often obvious, blatant, and even brazen in their behaviors and in the way they treat others. Their aggression and control tactics can be easy to see.

Covert narcissistic emotional abuse is so much harder to see because a covert narcissist is “under cover.” They PURPOSEFULLY use very subtle, deceptive, and INCREASINGLY  degrading emotionally abusive tactics to manipulate, control, and ultimately gain narcissistic fuel. Initially, the emotional abuse I experienced was centered more around undermining and eroding my self-esteem, confidence, and sense of value and worth. And over nearly three decades, as my confidence and sense of value and worth eroded, I was more susceptible to the emotional abuse that made me question my sense of reality, the validity of my emotions, and even my sanity. I will discuss my experience of this type of emotional abuse in Part 2.

Feeling Crazy

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. But the experiences you had, and may still be having, being emotionally abused by a covert narcissist, were, and are crazy. With hindsight and self-reflection, I can now see and understand the emotional abuse and the impact that it had on me, and how it made me feel mentally and emotionally deeply fragmented about myself, my husband, and our relationship.

Emotional abuse is like an ambiguous picture that shows two different images in the same picture. One image comes easily, and often you must change your perspective to see the second image. And even then, after finally seeing the second image, you can lose it again. Emotional abuse is very similar to that. Once I finally realized that I was emotionally abused, it felt like finally seeing the second picture in the ambiguous image for the first time.

The Concealed Emotional Abuse

The problem is, emotional abuse is so CONCEALED from the victim that I had trouble confirming to myself that, indeed, I was emotionally abused, even after finally realizing that I had been. I relied on my decades of journal writings for my much-needed confirmation that I was emotionally abused. Thankfully, being out of the toxic environment gave me clarity to see the emotional abuse, which, once fully seen and dissected, cannot be unseen now.

My husband used many covert narcissistic abusive strategies and schemes to manipulate and control me, and ultimately gain narcissistic fuel. His ongoing subtle criticisms and judgments, emotional neglect and withdrawal, and hot and cold behaviours towards me effectively attacked and damaged my self-esteem, confidence, worth, and value.

Subtle Criticisms and Judgements

The emotional abuse started early in our dating years with my husband, then boyfriend, constantly correcting my grammar. He was studying English at university, and any significant or insignificant grammatical error I made in conversation was immediately corrected. He wasn’t mean about it; he would simply say, “You mean to say is, not are,” as an example. Perhaps, at first, I thought it was cute, giving him credit for the fact that he was only doing it because he loved me. However, the grammatical corrections relentlessly continued, and I eventually realized he was very serious about curing my incorrect grammatical ways. I told him many times that it bothered me, but he seemed to brush it off as no big deal, and insinuated that everyone wants to speak correctly. Because the corrections continued, I began to pay attention, and eventually I made fewer grammatical errors. Then his corrections moved to my table manners because he felt that I chewed too loudly, clinked the cutlery on my teeth, and used the knife and fork incorrectly.

The Criticisms and Judgements Moved from My Behaviour to My Value and Worth

The criticisms never stopped throughout our nearly three-decade relationship, and in retrospect, the criticisms moved from my behaviour to my actual value and worth as a person. Much later in our marriage, we were at a coffee shop and I was sharing my interest in helping a women’s charity program, and I remember feeling during our discussion that he was insinuating I was wasting my time. Feeling confused about his response and a bit brave, I asked him if he thought I was a second-class citizen, being a woman, and he never answered me. He pretended that he didn’t hear me by changing the subject. I KNOW that he heard me.

Now, had that experience happened early in our dating, I would have been shocked at his lack of response, because that would have gone against everything I knew or believed about him that had been well established during the love-bombing phase. I hope I would have run the other way if that had happened then! But, being so low in self-worth and value at that time in my marriage, I let it go and never responded or asked him to clarify. He believed I was second-class, and I simply ignored what happened.

Purposefully Keeping the Criticisms and Judgments Subtle

It isn’t like he ever called me stupid, useless, or that kind of thing. The comments, taken by themselves, seemed innocent enough. It was instead the tone of his voice, facial expression, and body language that got his message across to me. For example, I once mentioned to him about a book I was reading that was a discussion comparing two other books, and instead of showing interest in what I was reading, he said that he ONLY reads first-hand source materials or books. In other words, he would never read a book discussing other books, on any topic. He was saying in his subtle way that my reading this type of secondary source book was pathetic and certainly not what he does. I felt criticized and judged, even though his words were not directly judging me in any way. I got the message loud and clear in the non-verbal cues and tone of voice.

Not only did he ensure his criticisms and judgements were subtle, he never once, even subtly, criticized me or judged me for what I was MOST sensitive about – my body size and shape. I was, and still am, a plus-size woman, and during our relationship, I was extremely sensitive about my body. He never once made any negative criticism or judgment about my body size and shape. I believe that was a tactical strategy on his part to keep me unaware of the emotional abuse that he was inflicting on me in other ways. He avoided my most sensitive soft spot.  

The Accumulation of Subtle Criticisms and Judgements

When you add up nearly three decades of this kind of subtle put-downs, you lose your self-esteem, confidence, and sense of value and worth without realizing that it is happening! Purposefully undermining another human being’s confidence, self-worth, and value over thirty years is cruel.

Not understanding that my husband was a covert narcissist made these experiences so much worse. If he said to me, “This charity idea is stupid, don’t waste your time”, then I would have clearly understood what he was saying, but what he was really saying was covert, undercover, hidden in his body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions – not in his words. Although in our conversation he seemed interested in the charity, and asking me questions, he was really saying through his tone of voice, and body language, “This charity for women is a foolish waste of time”.

In all these experiences of the “subtle” criticisms and judgements, I was often left to decipher his REAL message to me. The worst was when his words, which seemed nice enough, did not match his subtle body language, which felt opposite to his words. And even then, I couldn’t always rely on what I thought he was really saying to me. That was definitely crazy making.

Emotional Withdrawal Using Silent Treatment and Emotional Withholding

The slow, unrelenting jabs against my self-esteem, confidence, value, and worth were then further cemented by my husband’s use of silent treatment and emotional withholding. I describe this as purposeful, emotional ignoring and neglect. These tactics essentially made me feel increasingly irrelevant to him, and it effectively confirmed to me my sense of worthlessness that had already been created through the constant subtle criticisms and judgements.  

Losing our Emotional Connection

When we were dating, during the love bombing phase, my husband, boyfriend at the time, was extremely emotionally available. We would talk for hours about our feelings. I always felt emotionally supported, he was romantic in his gestures, and there was the usual physical affection. But once we married, it felt like HALF of the emotional connection I felt with him disappeared. And as our marriage went on, the loving emotional connection that I mistakenly believed we had forged while dating continued to erode.

Even something as simple as a compliment from my husband became a rare occurrence, even after we were newly married. During our dating years, especially during the love bombing phase, he showered compliments on me. Unfortunately, as the years passed, the compliments became far and few, and I remember how pleased and relieved I felt when I received a rare compliment from him. It was a reminder that I had finally done something right! On the other hand, as a covert narcissist, my husband deeply craved compliments for external validation. I unconsciously understood the assignment, and made sure to regularly compliment my husband, and I stopped expecting compliments in return.

Our emotional connection further eroded with my husband’s 50 to 60-hour workweeks. I was always a distant afterthought to his work, and even then, just barely. When we were dating, we could talk on the phone for hours at a time, driving our families crazy with holding up the phone line, yet 20 years into our marriage, my husband had barely more than ten sentences to say to me in the day. He no longer feigned interest in my life. He literally ignored my 40th birthday, which really hurt my feelings, as I had thrown him a birthday celebration just six months earlier for his 40th birthday. Looking back now, I realize he was punishing me for something that I had done – or not done. I have no idea what it was.

Whenever we got into an argument that wasn’t immediately resolved, I couldn’t believe how easily he could ignore me and go on with his work and his life, as if nothing had happened. After an argument, I was an emotional mess, and I wanted to talk things out and fix what had happened. But he could walk away, ignore me for days, and go about his life.

My Breaking Point

After I found out about my husband’s six-month affair, and we were going to marriage counseling for a year to try and repair our marriage, on two separate occasions, during that year, I approached my husband and I sincerely said to him that I wanted to make our marriage work. I honestly told him that I hoped for a truly open, loving, and intimate relationship with him. On both occasions, I was met with a tsunami of emotional withdrawal. He once responded, “whatever that is”, with a shrug of his shoulders, and then walked away, and the other time he looked at me blankly and said, “ok,” and walked away.

I had just poured my heart out to him, telling him I wanted to repair our marriage and that I wanted a real relationship with him, and he walked away. I was heartbroken and confused. I tried not to conclude that I was worthless and unlovable, but that is exactly how I felt. Furthermore, finding out that my husband had an affair further destroyed my sense of value and worth. His response to my desire to repair our marriage only added to that.

It was during our last marriage counselling session that I finally saw the truth of his complete emotional disengagement. I had just been sharing my despair, sadness, and feelings of confusion about our marriage to our therapist as tears rolled down my cheeks . When I finished, our therapist turned to my husband and asked him how he was doing after hearing what I had shared, and he responded flatly, “I’m fine.” He responded as if I had been discussing dinner plans.

I believe that his emotional withdrawal was one of his favorite tricks, and he enjoyed using it. He didn’t like emotions and found them personally repulsive. He once said to me that emotions are like body odor. It was easy for him to choose when to emotionally withdraw from me and our relationship. While I was trying to make real emotional connections with him, he was constantly playing with me, and my emotional connection to him was for HIS benefit only.

Hot and Cold Behaviours that Confirmed His Conditional Love

When you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, there is no such thing as unconditional love. The love you receive is VERY conditional, and this was reinforced in my marriage by my husband’s behavior towards me. At times, I felt secure that he loved me, and at other unexpected times, I felt completely irrelevant to him. As our marriage progressed, I felt that it was becoming increasingly like a game of plucking the flower petal off the flower – he loves me – he loves me not – he loves me – he loves me not. This is not normal. This is not OK.

When we first started dating, I was thoroughly love-bombed and deeply convinced he loved me. My husband, then boyfriend, wrote a poem about me, describing me as a beautiful butterfly, and yet, in his next breath, felt it was necessary to correct my grammar or my table manners. Early on, the rejections were small, and I honestly didn’t experience them as rejections of the “I don’t love you” kind, because I was so convinced that my husband deeply loved me. But as our marriage progressed, the unexpected hot and cold behaviours towards me became more frequent and increasingly mind-numbing. And even worse, the expressions of coldness began to outnumber the expressions of warmth.

Seeking His Conditional Love

I wanted my loving husband back, as often as possible, and as a result, I started to adjust my behavior to make him happy by ensuring that HIS needs came first. Because I did not always know where I stood with my husband, I became increasingly more aware of my behaviors and which ones seemed to make him upset or which ones seemed to make him happier. So, if I felt that setting the table with the serrated part of the knife facing the plate made him happier, I did it faithfully. I could tell that this is what he preferred because I watched him rearrange his knife this way before we ate dinner. If it meant ensuring all kitchen cupboard doors are closed, I did that. This sense that his love was off and on and certainly conditional made me hypervigilant to watch my behavior and how it impacted him. I wanted the charming husband I thought I married more often, not the grumpy version I seemed to be getting more frequently, and unfortunately, most of the time.

Eventually, there came a point in my life when I didn’t do ANYTHING, without first considering how my action would FIRST impact my husband, and how he would react to it. It became paramount to me to make sure I didn’t do anything to lose his love, or at least not anger him.

I would hang onto any small act of kindness that he did for me, as proof that he does love me. A year before we separated, we were visiting my husband’s sister and her husband, and my husband brought my breakfast plate of eggs to the table for me. I was surprised at this kindness and held onto that as if he had saved my life. I had gotten so accustomed to being ignored or treated unkindly, as just the way my life was, that this one event was an “event” in my life. In most marriages, this is just a normal thing that loving couples do for each other.

I also learned to NEVER evaluate my marriage during my husband’s busy work months in the year.  If I did, the evaluation would always end up negative. In a loving relationship, one should not feel that the love is withdrawn during those busy work months, but in my marriage, that is exactly what I experienced. During his less-busy work months, I felt a little more important in his life.

Masterfully Turning up the Love

One year in particular, my husband was really attentive to me and emotionally connected to me during the summer. This was a surprise, because in the previous months, things were not good between us at all. I was deeply unhappy in my marriage, and I told him. It seemed to me, at that time, that he was hearing me and trying hard to repair things between us. He was even becoming my Mr. Darcy, from Jane Austin’s romantic novel “Pride and Prejudice”. And then in the space of one month, my husband was gone. It was TOTALLY unexpected, and it was extreme. He had absolutely no time for me or our children at all. This lasted for three years. It was as if I were no longer married. And it was honestly the worst three years of my marriage.

Now I realize, in hindsight, he was once again “love-bombing” me to get me to re-commit to him, and stick around, while he knew he was going to embark on a massive career advancement that required LITERALLY ALL his time and energy. He needed me to keep looking after the house and our children so that he could commit to this career advancement endeavor. This is not something that he shared with me or that we discussed. I knew he was taking on a new temporary three year administrative position, but I had no idea he was ALSO taking on his own personal career advancement as well. Essentially, double the work and commitment.

When he finished his temporary administrative position and major career advancement three years later, he was ready to be a husband again. He expected me to be so proud of his achievement and was very upset at me for not being “happy” enough with his new prestigious  position. I was so battered from the experience and confused. I didn’t feel like celebrating his personal career achievement that nearly destroyed our marriage and family.

The Unfortunate Result of Being Love-Bombed

Because I was so thoroughly love bombed, my belief that my husband truly loved me continued throughout our marriage, even when the evidence was clearly suggesting otherwise. I had given my heart to my husband, and I was not playing any games with him. I held onto the hope and belief that he had also given his heart to me and still loved me. Yet I had learned that I needed to behave and be a certain way to be loved, and I tried harder and harder to be worthy of his love. It took me a very long time to fully realize and accept that he certainly didn’t love me anymore. That was the beginning of the end of my trying to constantly make him happy.

It wasn’t until much later, after our separation, that I finally understood that covert narcissists have no understanding of what real love is. It was also devastating to finally realize that he NEVER did love me. So playing this game of giving and taking “love” was easy for him. I didn’t realize this game was being played on me, on purpose.

The Devastating Impact of Emotional Abuse

These are only a small set of examples that I have shared. What I do know is that over the course of our relationship, I started with a healthy self-esteem, confidence, and a strong sense of personal value and worth. I truly believed that the sky was the limit for my future, and I genuinely liked myself. Then, throughout our three-decade relationship, I REALLY struggled with my self-worth, and I honestly didn’t understand why. I spent hours upon hours reading self-help books, and trying to improve myself and my self-esteem. I focused on trying to remind myself that I am a worthy person in my journaling. Yet, after the affair, and near the end of our marriage, I felt completely broken as a human being – into a million pieces.

Unfortunately, I did not recognize the emotional abuse that was COVERTLY, directly, and purposefully targeting my sense of self-esteem, confidence, worth, and value that was being inflicted on me for nearly thirty years. As the emotional abuse continued, and my sense of self-esteem, confidence, worth, and value continued to erode, I was more susceptible to his emotional abuse tactics that made me question my sense of reality, my emotions, and even my sanity. This sense of feeling crazy in questioning your reality is the other component of the emotional abuse that I discuss in Part 2.