my story of
covert
narcissistic
abuse
About Me
Hello
My name is Tamara Haskell, and I am a survivor of an emotionally abusive long-term relationship with a covert narcissist. My three-decade relationship with this man has been both my greatest personal heartbreak and one of my greatest blessings. In so many ways, I experienced the typical covert narcissistic relationship experience. From the love bombing, to the devaluation, and finally the discarding stage, my entire relationship experience was full of emotional abuse, control, and manipulation using the various mind games and toxic tricks that a covert narcissist uses.
Today, I am a joyously divorced woman! I am also a single mother of two wonderful young adult daughters who bring so much joy and love to my life. I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Is my life perfect? Absolutely not. Is it an amazing experience? One hundred percent! But it was not an easy journey to get here.
Getting Married
As I said, I survived a three-decade-long relationship with a covert narcissist, and 24 of those years were spent married. Those 24 years of marriage were the most increasingly confusing, chaotic, anxiety provoking, painful, and fearful years of my life. It definitely did not start out that way. When I married my husband at the young age of 22 years, I was so excited to marry my “soulmate” and eventually celebrate our future 50th wedding anniversary together. I believed I was marrying my prince in shining armour. I believed that he was completely in love with me. Perhaps that is youthful inexperience in life talking, but I was deeply in love and totally committed to my husband. On my wedding day, I was happily married. Who would have thought that 24 years later, I would be so blissfully divorced from the same man?
Losing Myself
My husband was definitely not who I thought I was marrying, but that understanding did not materialize until after I was out of the toxic, malignant marital environment that I had become so accustomed to for over two decades. It was so reassuring to read that you could be married to a covert narcissist for decades before you figure out who you are truly married to. I had been so thoroughly love-bombed that I ended up staying in a marriage that was not what I deserved. For our entire marriage, my husband slowly and methodically eroded my self-esteem, worth, and value. By the end, not only did I essentially believe that I was not worthy enough to be married to my husband, but I also began to question my sense of reality.
“It is common for people to be in romantic relationships with covert narcissists for over 10, 20, 30, 40-plus years not recognizing the abuse they have endured for decades.”
— Debbie Mirza
In those 24 years, we had a normal looking marriage to the outside world, with careers, a home, and a family. Yet, I became increasingly lost in my marriage and confused. I was always trying to do everything that I could to fix my marriage by increasingly changing myself, and ignoring my needs. Over those 24 years of marriage, everything became focused on my husband. What were his wants and needs? What would make him happy? What does he need me to do for him? Eventually, everything I did was done by first evaluating how this would impact my husband.
One would think that with this much attention given to his needs, at least our marriage would be great for him. Yet, it was an extremely increasingly emotionally chaotic time because my husband’s behavior towards me was becoming even more mind-numbingly confusing. It seemed that the harder I tried, the worse it got. At times, I felt like he loved me, and appreciated all that I did for him, and at other times, I felt completely one hundred percent insignificant to him. I literally felt insanely disoriented towards my husband.
I was becoming deeply unhappy, and the last ten years of our marriage was focused for me on should I stay, or should I go. I stayed. The truth is, I was too terrified of leaving. And surviving on my own financially seemed impossible. I was also raised believing that divorce was not an option, and I had to make the best of my situation. I had come to accept that this was my life, and I was going to make the best of my unhappy marriage.
My Turning Point
Finding out about my husband’s six-month affair was the turning point in my life. Literally. It broke me into a thousand pieces and forced me to put myself back together. And through that process, I was able to finally break free, emotionally. I still remember the exact moment, in our last marriage counselling session, that I finally gave up all hope. I finally let go. That was the beginning of my breaking free, by emotionally letting go. I finally realized this marriage was never going to be what I had hoped for, no matter how hard I tried to fix it.
It was the emotionally letting go that saved me. Over the next six months, I completely let go of trying to please him, fix things, or even acknowledge him. Little did I realize that by doing that, I was no longer providing any narcissist fuel for him. And as a result, he found new fuel with someone else, and moved out. And of course, I fully supported his moving out.
Stuck In The Muck and Mess
When I was in the muck and mess of negotiating our separation agreement, I so desperately felt alone, and like no one understood what I was experiencing. Honestly, I barely understood what I was experiencing. As I said, I only saw my husband for who he was, a covert narcissist, AFTER he moved out and I was no longer living in the toxic environment. When I learned about covert narcissism, my entire marriage finally made sense! EVERYTHING! But the nature of this kind of experience leaves you doubting your own experience. Why? Because after 24 years of being married to an emotionally abusive covert narcissist, I was so thoroughly devalued, gaslit, and manipulated that I constantly questioned my reality and my truth.
“After a relationship with a covert narcissist, you feel like you can’t trust your perception of reality because no one else can see what you see.”
— Debbie Mirza
I searched online for any other stories that were similar to mine, so that I was able to feel like, and confirm I wasn’t imagining everything. Fortunately, I found a few stories from others who experienced a marriage or relationship with a covert narcissist that helped me feel less crazy. I also returned to re-reading my journals written over the last 35 years, and it helped me confirm as well, I wasn’t crazy. I really was love bombed. I really was gas-lit. I really was manipulated and controlled. My experiences were real, and they were crazy making. I realized that although from the outside, my marriage looked pretty normal, it wasn’t. It made me wonder how many others have experienced, and are experiencing the crazy making emotional abuse, and toxic tricks from a covert narcissist. I have heard it described as a “mind f*ck” and I couldn’t agree more!
“Survivors of covert narcissists need to know that they are not crazy.”
— Debbie Mirza
My Freedom
Since my separation and my divorce, in the last eight years, I have healed an immense amount of trauma, pain, and released a toxic amount of anger, hurt, and fear related to my marriage. As I said, my marriage was my greatest heartache, and it has also been my greatest blessing! Why one of my greatest blessings? Because the journey through my marriage and the heartache and pain was the catalyst to my spiritual awakening. It sent me on an amazing and profound journey of not just psychological and emotional healing, but true, deep spiritual healing, which I am forever, so immensely grateful for. I have discovered my Divine worth and value. And I am now spiritually thriving in my life! Today, I am so grateful to my ex-husband for the role he played in my life.
My Freedom
Since my separation and my divorce, in the last eight years, I have healed an immense amount of trauma, pain, and released a toxic amount of anger, hurt, and fear related to my marriage. As I said, my marriage was my greatest heartache, and it has also been my greatest blessing! Why one of my greatest blessings? Because the journey through my marriage and the heartache and pain was the catalyst to my spiritual awakening. It sent me on an amazing and profound journey of not just psychological and emotional healing, but true, deep spiritual healing, which I am forever, so immensely grateful for. I have discovered my Divine worth and value. And I am now spiritually thriving in my life! Today, I am so grateful to my ex-husband for the role he played in my life.
Being divorced now, I have never felt more free in my life! In fact, I celebrate my divorce day now every year with my daughters. It is a celebration of my new life after covert narcissistic abuse. I can now honor my desires to be and express who I am, without fear of being laughed at and judged. It has been an incredibly long healing journey that I have made. But I do not have one single regret taking the journey. And as much pain, confusion, hurt, and anger that I experienced in my marriage, I would do it again, for it has brought me to where and who I am
My Hope
I am here to share my truth through my story, my experiences, and my lessons learned. It is my hope that in sharing my personal story, you will be able to see your truths in your marriage, relationship, and life, embrace those truths, and make the changes and healing that you desire. I encourage you to truly look deeply within yourself for your truth – for that is where your truths are.
Every single one of us deserves to be true to ourselves, to live our lives joyfully, and to know our true worth and value, regardless of what others may say – most especially your partner in life. This is what I hope for you. And how do you find that? You have to take the courageous journey of looking deeply within yourself, and finding the essence of who you are. You have to find the courage to face the pain, move through it, and release it. And you have to truly embrace the amazing Divine Conscious Energy that you are. It is a journey I never regretted embracing, and I continue on my spiritual journey today.
You are not crazy, but I know that your experience was. Spiritual awakening, spiritual healing, and spiritual flourishing, after covert narcissistic abuse, is possible if you are ready to move forward. Let’s take this journey together.
Thousands of us have woken up to covert narcissistic emotional abuse, and we all have a story to tell that may help others. Each story is unique, personal, and valuable.
This is mine. And when you are ready, I invite you to share yours.
In love, Tamara