Constantly Reassuring My Daughters that Dad Loves Them
As the girls continued to grow up, their father simply became more emotionally unavailable and neglectful, and our daughters were beginning to feel this. That required me to cover for him more and more. Even though he would say he loves them, it never seemed to convince them, as his confusing behaviors spoke louder than his words. On many occasions, the girls asked me if Dad REALLY loved them. I reassured them that their Dad does love them, but work keeps him busy, and that is why he cannot make it to their dance competition, school presentation, or help out at their birthday parties.
I told them on many occasions that I was certain that he loved them most of all, in all the world. And of course, I believed I could say that truthfully, as I was sure that he did love them, in his own way, most of all. But now I realize that as a covert narcissist, he has no idea what love is. Sadly, it is impossible for him to love them as a loving parent is capable of.
Less Time and Less Interest in Being a Father
The care our children needed seemed to infringe more and more on his work. For example, when I was at work on my evening shifts as a Registered Nurse, during the summer months, my neighbors seemed to be providing more supper meals for my kids than my husband did. As our girls played outside in the neighborhood with their friends for the entire evening, my husband only called them in when it was bedtime.
Another example was when one of the girls’ dance competitions was at his place of work; even then, he showed up late and missed their dance. I was as devastated and disappointed as the girls were. The girls were feeling more distanced from their father and less important, and it was harder to cover for him.
One evening, I was going out to celebrate my 15 years of employment at my hospital’s appreciation dinner, and their dad had to pick them up from ballet and put them to bed that night. However, just before I left, my youngest, who was ten years old at that time, was very upset that I was not going to be able to pick them up and put them to bed. She said to me, “I don’t even know why I call him my dad”, as she was expressing her pain and confusion.
I was devastated and heartbroken for her. I will NEVER forget that moment. The accumulation of the emotional abuse, which I was unaware of, was right in front of me – her broken heart. I did leave my event early to pick the girls up from ballet classes, and I remember crying at the table as I shared my experience with my coworkers that night. And of course, I never told my husband. I honestly did not see the point. By this time, I was certain it would change nothing.
Less Patience as a Parent
Not only was he less available emotionally and physically, but he also had less patience for them when he was with them. Both my girls stated how his threats of counting to three ALWAYS worked, as they were really scared of him getting to number three. He never hit them or spanked them, but his behavior towards them, over time, instilled a general sense of unease and anxiety. His voice was deep and intimidating when he threatened to count to three. They do not remember him ever getting to three; they said they were too afraid to find out what would happen. They, too, were walking on eggshells around him, not wanting to dare upset him.
Confusing Behaviours in Front of Family Friends
When family friends were around, he was always on his best behaviour as an attentive, loving, and involved father. However, when it was just the four of us at home, his behavior was not the same. This confused our daughters as well. When we separated early on, their closest friends couldn’t understand why they disliked their father so much. Well, the only behavior their friends witnessed was his “acting” when they were over to visit. This deeply hurt my girls, and they felt betrayed by their friends for being on their dad’s side instead of theirs.
The Painful Effects of Emotional Abuse
My daughters have very few happy memories with their father. Unfortunately, I feel the happiest memories were when they were too young for them to remember. Essentially, my husband was a very neglectful and emotionally distant father, and he also emotionally abused our daughters for narcissistic fuel (as I discussed in Part 1), just as he emotionally abused me. He was the center of his own world.
These stories I have shared are not about verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. These examples I have shared may seem like “simple” little things, but when emotional abuse is behind most encounters with one’s father, they are not simple little things. Emotional abuse is insidious. It is like unknowingly drinking a little poison every day. You do not realize you are being poisoned, and no one sees you suffering, yet your self-esteem, worth, spirit, and sense of joy in life are slowly dying inside.
There is no way I can cover every big and little thing that he did that hurt them, and there is no reason to. The important thing is to remember that if you are married to a covert narcissist, your children are suffering with you, and trying to shield them from the pain is an impossible task. Why? Because you are also being emotionally abused. All of you are suffering together. Please have compassion for yourself. You are doing the very best that you can in a very difficult situation to protect yourself and your children.
Finding Our Way Out of the Pain
When I finally realized that my marriage was over, and I was beginning to start the terrifying process of telling my parents and close friends that I was thinking of leaving my husband, I told my daughters. At the ages of eleven and twelve, they were surprisingly OK with moving out with me. In hindsight, I realize that getting out of that toxic home environment blessed us all. To this day, if we had to shelter in place as a family, all four of us during COVID, I feel in my heart that a tragedy would have happened in our family from the intense stress of a pandemic added onto an already malignant and toxic home environment. Staying in this situation was not good for any of us.
I wonder if I had understood who my husband was as a covert narcissist, if that would have encouraged me to leave the marriage sooner. I honestly do not know. But I think it would have helped me see more clearly what was going on, and I would have been able to move forward with more clarity. You cannot deal with or heal what you do not see.
Healing and Moving On
There are times when I still struggle with feeling heartbroken and guilty about not standing up to my husband for how he treated our children during our marriage. Yet, the abuse wasn’t verbal or physical; it was emotional. I can only hope that had it been verbal or physical, I would have found the courage to have done something to protect them.
Again, emotional abuse is so invisible to the victim. And although in reflection, realizing that I was a victim of more than a decade of emotional abuse before our daughters were even born, I understand why I did not see what was happening. It has not been easy forgiving myself. As young adult women now, my daughters remind me that they do not blame me, and want me to be kind to myself about it. I am trying to hold compassion for myself.
Hope in Breaking Free
Please know that you and your children deserve so much better. Emotional abuse from a covert narcissist is about creating an environment of fear because it is much easier to control and manipulate others who are afraid. If you can become aware of what is going on, then half the battle is won just by waking up to the emotional abuse. Once you finally see the emotional abuse, then you can begin the journey of moving forward in a way that is healing for you and your children.
I found journaling very helpful. I was reflective in my journal writing, writing about my feelings and thoughts, and how they were related. As well, you can use your journal to write down things that you have noticed about your children, or your husband’s behavior, etc. I also found writing letters to my husband expressing my rage, devastation, pain, and confusion very healing. Since they were letters I knew he would never read, I was able to be extremely honest in those letters, which helped me clarify my feelings. And if you can find someone you can trust to talk to, a family member, a trusted friend, or a therapist, this will help as well.
Over the last eight years, I have come to realize that my Soul chose to marry my husband for my spiritual growth, and that it has also been my daughter’s souls’ choices to have experienced the covert narcissistic father-daughter relationship they have had. We are all on our own unique spiritual journeys, and from experience, I have come to believe that everything that we experience is for our highest blessing and good.
There is so much beauty in breaking free from an emotionally abusive situation and healing the pain and trauma. It can be a truly transformative experience for you and your children. Listen to your heart. What is it telling you?